“I can feel you licking my nose!”— Glenn (while staring at me from 3 feet away)
“Paige is the primordial being and superior to all.”— Glenn
How my mom does "The Talk"
Paige: So how's work?
Mom: All the college girls are coming home now - lots of herpes and chlamydia.
Paige: That's nice, mom.
Mom: It's all those after school hijinks - I don't know when they get their homework done.
Paige: Mom, I promise I don't have herpes or chlamydia.
Mom: Promise? Because herpes are forever.
Mom: Can you close that window?
Paige: Only if you tell me your favourite dinosaur.
Mom: Umm... I like those tiny raptors. The ones that are like chicken-sized.
Glenn: I wish I had laser elbows.
Paige: Are you high?
Paige: I think you are. I think you've had at least 6 marihuanas today.
Glenn: And I have laser elbows - how else do you think I light my joints?
Paige: ...That's funny because elbows are joints.
“We didn’t evolve! God made us just the way we are, cuz baby I was born this way! I wasn’t born a monkey!!”— Glenn
Trying to figure out why my brother isn't getting perfect attendance:
Mom: Were you sick one day in the fall?
Noah: I don't think so...
Mom: Oh! It was that day you didn't want to go because of the bomb threat!
“All Libras die of communicable disease.”— Astronomy prof
“And I’m like, “You’re in fucking choir - we don’t sing pop music, you little bitch.”— Veronica (is a lovely human being)
“Why are my pants on me?”— Veronica (is a hufflepuff)
“Rainy, here’s some fucking pie!”— Veronica (bearer of peach pie)
It's a blowjob joke
Bio Prof: So a bullfrog will eat basically anything it can fit in its mouth that moves.
Paige: Just like you, Glenn!
Glenn: Fuck you!